Low self-esteem is an all too common phenomenon, so the big question remains: “What does it take to create true, lasting self-esteem?”
The first thing you need to know is that self-esteem is always achievable, even for a person who’s never felt it before.
Here’s how you can break the chains of low self-esteem:
The Relationship Between Confidence and Low Self-Esteem
Confidence and self-esteem are often conflated, but there are subtle differences between the two, and both feed into one another.
Confidence is your level of trust in your ability to accomplish tasks.
Self-esteem is defined as a form of confidence in one’s worth as a human being, not just in one’s abilities. A person confident in their abilities can still be stuck in self-doubt about who they are and what they deserve.
Let’s examine the traits of a person with healthy self-esteem:
- They are self-determined, and their goals are not automatically dictated by the culture around them.
- They learn from their mistakes, and they don’t take criticism as gospel.
- They derive their worth from their own actions and values. They are primarily self-validated.
- They aren’t afraid to set firm boundaries with the people around them.
- They trust that they can handle problems as they come along because they have a wealth of life experience to guide them.
- They do not feel the need to hide their great qualities from the world for fear of judgment.
- They are unapologetic about who they are, what they want, and what they feel they deserve.
Fundamentally, individuals with healthy self-esteem believe that they are just as worthy as anyone else. They do not feel they are better than anyone, nor do they believe that others are more worthy of love and success than they are.
Every human born into this world has inherent worth. Those with low self-esteem have just been convinced that they are an exception to this rule.
The 4 Core Elements of Self-Esteem Building
Confidence in one’s abilities is a necessary part of building self-esteem, but it’s not sufficient. What you do is only part of you. Cultivating who you are and what you’re worth completes the puzzle.
So, the first two elements of self-esteem will be about building confidence in the things you do, and the last two will be about self-healing.
Self-Esteem Element # 1 — Exposure
“Where the fear, there is your task!” — Carl Jung
This is the element of exposing yourself to things that scare you at your own pace on a regular basis.
This is essential because fear is often the first wall between you and a meaningful life. It’s the gap between you and your potential.
Just like in exposure therapy for anxiety, consistent fear-facing serves to empower and liberate you from the things that hold you back.
Feeling the freedom to overcome fear gives a tremendous boost to your self-esteem. If you choose to build your courage, you’ll be able to do the things you never thought you could. Here are some examples:
- Afraid of talking to people? Practice just saying hello to people or giving random compliments. Or you could take a customer service job where daily communication is necessary.
- Afraid of independence? Start doing things alone and see how it feels. Go to the movies, take hikes, join clubs, and if you really want to challenge yourself, consider traveling solo.
- Afraid of confrontation? Join a martial arts gym you can commit to attending regularly.
Self-Esteem Element # 2— Failure
“There is nothing that teaches you more than regrouping after failure and moving on. Yet most people are stricken with fear. They fear failure so much that they fail.” — Charles Bukowski.
Wouldn’t failing all the time be harmful to your self-esteem?
In truth, failure is the heart of self-esteem building. Being struck down in your honest attempt to accomplish something does two things:
- Teaches you a lesson
- Gives you an opportunity to rise to the occasion
Failures guide you toward new levels of growth. Attempting something you feel you have no business trying gives you a chance to adapt; through that adaptation, you raise yourself to higher levels.
Your self-esteem builds as you learn, grow, and realize what you are capable of. None of those lessons are possible without the risk of failure.
The sooner you fail, the sooner you can start improving, and then you can start seeing your potential shine through.
Self-Esteem Element # 3— Reflection
“We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.” — John Dewey
This is the element of self-analysis. If you want to boost your self-esteem, you need to first increase your level of self-understanding.
You need to look back in time and see what brought you to your current level of self-esteem. You need to determine which beliefs you hold about yourself are valid and which are not, especially if you’re an adult looking back on childhood.
Reflection is…
- Taking time to reflect on who you are, what you’ve done, what you do, and why you do it.
- Examining yourself, how your mind works, and your wants, needs, values, and deepest desires.
- Examining your relationships with your primary caregivers and seeing how that affected the way you see yourself as an adult.
Of course, a great way to do this would be to try therapy. Having someone to explore the depths of your mind with you will help you heal elements of your past that you can’t seem to get beyond.
Getting the perspective of a professional will help you realize that your negative self-perception likely came from a childhood interpretation of a caregiver’s action that you still carry with you today. With time, you can learn to let it go.
Self-Esteem Element # 4— Self Compassion/Self Acceptance
“Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” — Nathaniel Branden.
Before you can meaningfully change, you need to accept yourself as you are. You need to say, “I’ve made mistakes, but so does everyone. I need to forgive my past so I can work towards being who I want to be.”
Self-compassion is learning that it is just as cruel to treat yourself terribly as it is to treat someone else terribly.
So, if you’re going to believe that you have as much worth as anyone else, then you need to treat yourself as you would a loved one. You need to be on your own side, first and foremost.
This can be tough if you’re used to treating yourself harshly, but self-compassion might be the most important aspect of building self-esteem.
Gratitude practice is popular, but what people with low self-esteem should focus on is self-gratitude practice. Practice saying things like…
- I work incredibly hard despite my mistakes.
- I can’t control what others think of me, but I can accept myself.
- I’m getting better every day.
- I’m a good friend/partner.
- I’ve been through tough times before, and I’ll get through this, too.
You Are Not Stuck With Low Self Esteem
Boosting your self-esteem is a deeply personal experience that requires effort and self-examination. But you are not beyond saving. Building your self-esteem is what saving yourself looks like.
To review…
- Expose yourself to things that scare you on a regular basis.
- Embrace failure and use it as a tool for growth.
- Reflect on all aspects of your life and your past.
- Practice self-compassion like you would any other skill.
The road to self-esteem is rocky, but it’s a righteous journey. Work to forgive yourself, figure out who you are, and things will get better.
