Some say that we become the average of the five people we hang out with most.
That might be an exaggeration, but what is true is that we absorb what’s in our environment. Our friendships influence our minds in the same way our bodies are influenced by the foods we eat.
You need to make sure that your friendship ecosystem isn’t tainted with toxic influences. Here are the major tells of what makes friendships toxic and what makes them great.
- Boundaries
Boundaries enhance relationships. No healthy relationship exists without them.
If something makes you uncomfortable, then you should make it known that you won’t tolerate that from a friend.
Toxic friends will not just disregard your boundaries. They will try to convince you that your boundaries were foolish to begin with.
They will say things like, “Why do you care if I spoil this for you? The ending isn’t that great anyway,” or “What do you mean I can’t use your shower? Are you hiding something in there?”
One person expressing what they need from another and negotiating is healthy, but blatantly disregarding and trampling over someone’s boundaries is a classic sign of toxicity.
Quality friends will respect your boundaries, even when they don’t understand them. They respect you enough not to want to make you uncomfortable by crossing lines.
They understand that you have needs and preferences they might not have, and they want you to feel comfortable around them. Not crossing these lines is the purest form of respect.
**Note: Some people, in an attempt to preserve the integrity of a relationship and not cause conflict, will not protest when a friend crosses their boundaries. The trap here is that this behavior will breed a hidden resentment and that resentment is what erodes the relationship they were trying to maintain to begin with.**
- Support Through Success and Failure
Growth is something any person should aspire to. Making it to our goals, realizing our potential, finding love, and learning new things are essential parts of being human.
But achieving those things can be some of life’s biggest challenges. Big victories aren’t everyday occurrences. For that reason, success and failure can define a friendship.
When one succeeds, how does the other act? How do your friends treat you when something great happens to you? How do they treat you when something doesn’t work out or when you fail to reach a goal?
Toxic friends may do a few things when you succeed. They may…
- Downplay your accomplishment, reminding you to “not get too full of yourself” in a disingenuous way of “keeping you humble.”
- One up you with an accomplishment of their own.
- Feel betrayed and threatened by your accomplishment.
**Note: It’s normal to feel a bit insecure and even envious if a friend makes an enormous stride and you feel you haven’t made enough progress yet.**
However, the most toxic reaction is for someone to guilt you for your success. They may start suggesting that you had advantages that they didn’t have and that this was bound to happen, which subtly undermines your accomplishment.
They might embrace the “crabs in a bucket mentality” in which one member of a group will not be allowed to surpass the other.
They see your accomplishment as an ascension, and they could be right. You could be outgrowing the people around you, and if they aren’t willing to help themselves, they can react with bitterness. Their mentality is, “This is all we will ever be. How dare you try to be something more?”
Quality Friends celebrate with you when you succeed. They are on healthy paths of self-growth themselves, and they see their friends succeeding as a good thing for everyone.
They may feel inspired by your victory and want to strive to do better themselves. They may want to learn from you so they can get on your level.
When you fail, a quality friend will support you in getting back on your feet. They will remind you of who you are and what you mean to them.
Quality friends ultimately want to see you win. They want to grow along with you.
- Listening and Caring
Showing interest in another person’s life is a tremendous gift. Giving someone your ear allows them the freedom to express themselves, share their troubles, and feel heard. It’s no small thing.
The closest friends are the ones who want to know you intimately. They want to know your goals, dreams, pasts, and preferences.
Toxic friends may listen to you sometimes, but really, they don’t care that much about your life.
- They may talk to you because you listen to them, but they may never show any interest in who you are or what you’ve got going on.
- They may only see you as a passing source of entertainment or, at worst, someone to make fun of.
- They may treat you as a stepping stone in some imagined social hierarchy.
- They might make fun of you to impress others or to make themselves feel better about their inadequacies.
Quality Friends are always available to lend their ear. They want to know what’s bothering you. They want to know what happened.
Your well-being is a priority to them, and they will go out of their way to help you if they believe you are experiencing some kind of crisis.
They pay attention when you speak and do not rush to get their opinion in.
The Trouble With Toxic Relationships
What makes toxic friendships tricky is their ambiguity.
You might have great times with your toxic friends. You might consistently have fun together or share great memories. People are multifaceted. And if a friendship is toxic, people may tell you to separate yourself from your friend. And this leaves you feeling stricken with conflict over the good times.
But here’s the truth: things always get bad again. Ugly behavior always resurfaces, and true attitudes always reveal themselves.
If you’re in doubt, use these metrics to measure the quality of your friendships. Do they…
- Respect your boundaries, even if they don’t agree with them?
- Support your accomplishments and see them as a win for both of you?
- Pick you up when you’re down in life?
- Listen when you’re in pain?
- Show an interest in your joys and troubles?
The best way to find relationships that aren’t toxic is to start by being a quality friend yourself. Quality friend behaviors are what people respond to and are what form the deepest bonds.
